Of Hopes and Dreams and Lives Lost
by kamoned
Summary: What would've happened if James and Harry had died like Snape had proposed?


**Disclaimer: **Characters and world belong to JK Rowling.

**A/N: **Here, because I'm a sadistic asshole. Enjoy.

* * *

**Of Hopes and Dreams and Lives Lost**

"_Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?_

"_I have – I have asked him –"_

It was unfair.

She felt everything was unfair now.

She had lost everything in one single stroke. Her entire life had crumpled before her eyes and she hadn't even had time to grab anything.

Both Harry and James were dead. Dead in a flash of devastating green from the same wand. Voldemort killed the both of them, and she watched. She couldn't have saved them. He had pushed her aside and cruelly made her _watch_ was her baby and husband were killed.

She felt empty, all her love in the world lost. The world was a harsh thing, where Dark Lords masqueraded around ripping families apart without a second glance. And there was no chance of him losing now – with both Harry and Neville dead, who would stop him?

The only sentiments she had from her destroyed life were Sirius and Remus. Peter had defected – that was the whole reason everything was in ruins right now, no? And where does that leave her? Bitter, that's where.

Lily was furious, that was all she could think about. Anyone who had anything to do with this would surely not stand a chance in her wrath.

Sirius has taken her in and he and Remus took care of her, even though they were both grieving themselves. They still had to fight in the war and attempt to survive and wait for Dumbledore to get off his lazy arse and defeat Voldemort already. Not wait for some deceased baby to do it.

She fought harder, she was ruthless, and she didn't even want to survive anymore. As long as James and Harry's lives were properly avenged, she'd be alright with everything.

"James wouldn't want this," they'd say, but how would they know? He wouldn't want to be dead, she was sure of that. What did they know anyway? They weren't his wife. _She_ was and _she_ knew him best.

In truth, behind the tough façade, Lily was on the brink of collapse. Beneath the blind fury, a frail little woman, lonely and unloved, lived. She wanted to escape; the real Lily Potter wanted to escape desperately. But, the embittered Lily Evans, she wanted to find the quickest way off the plant, the quickest way to stop being the widowed wife and mother of a dead kid. She was done with the world and its stick twisted way, and she'd do anything get out as soon as a chance surfaced.

But, really, what had she done to deserve this life of pain? Defy the Dark Lord three times? Have a kid? What was it that had doomed her to a life of _anguish_?

To try to forget about it all, Lily made herself available for Order missions as much as possible, however much it was advised against. This time, she was to keep a close eye on Severus Snape.

Usually she wouldn't want to do it, but she wasn't in her usual self, was she? She didn't really care anymore, as detached as she was.

And that's how she ended up following him around all day. She had been careful – but not careful enough for the watchful eyes of Snape. She should've known better, she had used to be his best friend, after all, but she wasn't paying as much attention to detail as she used to.

He slinked in the closest coffee shop and had Lily been paying attention, she would've aborted the mission right then and there.

Snape got a coffee and sat at the booth closest to the back, keeping his head down. Lily sat in a booth close by, not-so sneakily watching him. He got up and sat down in her booth. She had only noticed when it was too late to move.

"You've been following me," he remarked matter-of-factly.

She scowled at him. "You're a Death Eater; it's my _job_."

He studies her, a calculating look in his beady eyes. "You could join us."

She scoffed loudly. "Don't even start with that shite."

"You'll die."

"So?"

"I got the Dark Lord to keep you alive that night – at least _try_ to stay alive!" He said harshly. She stared at him, a horrified expression marring her once-pretty face.

"You… You're the reason…" She said muttering, and then, it must've finally processed, because her face twisted into a fury that he hadn't ever seen on her face. She stood and stormed out of the coffee shop and, after a moment's hesitation, he went after her.

She had turned into an alleyway and he followed, only to find her in a teary rage, kicking and pulling her hair.

"What…" Her voice is hoarse and he realizes she's been crying. This was not the reaction he had expected. "What did you _do_?"

"I," he starts, suddenly uncomfortable. "I told the Dark Lord to spare your life." She looks up and for a moment he is shocked by the hatred in them.

She whips out her wand. "_You_! IT'S YOUR FAULT! ALL OF THIS… THIS PAIN!" She screams at him and she's sobbing terribly now.

"I was trying to save you-"

"I didn't _want_ to be saved! DID EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I WAS _WILLING_ TO DIE FOR MY SON – MY FAMILY?!"

"Lily, I did it because I loved you… You should be _grateful_." Now he was getting angry, but she's on a roll, and she wasn't about to stop now.

"_GRATEFUL_?!" She laughs a horrid mirthless sound, and it terrifies him. "_GRATEFUL_ FOR THIS LIFE OF NOTHING BUT PAIN AND – AND – LONELINESS?! AND YOU WANT ME TO THANK YOU?!"

"Lily… Lily… I love you-"

"YOU _LOVE_ ME?!" She asked incredulously. She screams in utter frustration and rage. "You must not understand love," she said, in a quieter voice. "What you feel – it must not be love – it _can't_ be love. When you're in love, you want someone to be _happy_, no matter the cost!"

"Lily-"

"Do not call me that. You disgust me." She starts turning away, wiping the tears off her face. "If this is your idea of saving someone, I do _not_ want to be saved by you _ever_ again."

She walked away, finality punctuating her every step.


End file.
